It’s Not About You

“It’s not you, it’s me.” A cliched breakup line? Yes, it is. A true statement? Yes, again.

So often, when I’m talking to people, they’re stressed about someone else’s reaction to something that happened. They told a story, and the listener wasn’t paying attention. They tried to invite someone for lunch and the invitation wasn’t accepted. Or, a close friend has drifted away, for no clear reason. Then they start analyzing, worrying, ruminating. “What did I do wrong?” “Why does this always happen?” What should I do differently next time?”

For individuals with any degree of anxiety about social interactions, these “rejections” can feel so devastating, so personal. Of course it’s important to examine the situation, see if you did play some role in things not working out too well. But then, it’s okay to let it go and stop dwelling on it. We all lead busy lives, with so many obligations, pulled in so many different directions. Most of the time, you didn’t do anything wrong. You colleague really does have something else to do at lunchtime. Or, your story was fine, the listener was just caught up in remembering an important obligation.

Often, the true social damage happens after this minor disconnect. An insecure individual can read too much into it, start over-thinking, get too worried, pull back too much, turn a little issue into a big pattern of social issues. On the other hand, socially confident people assume the best, about their ability to be a good friend, and their interactions with others. If a friend says he’s busy, they assume he is, and issue the invitation again. If an invitation is rejected, they try again. After all, chances are, it’s about them, not you.

Researching on the Internet

In my practice, clients frequently ask me what I think of some specific treatment option they’re hoping will help them or their child, and they show me websites and advertisements. It can be very confusing! Opinion is presented as fact, poorly run studies or misleading journals are referenced, and it’s hard to figure out what to believe. That’s the time to start reading carefully.

Frequently, for individuals on the spectrum, or people trying to manage ADHD, or the parents of kids with autism, Asperger’s, or ADHD, separating the facts from the nonsense is tough. All the information online can be confusing and overwhelming, especially for parents who worry that the window of opportunity on helping their child is closing fast. (It’s not! Although diagnosis and treatment should begin as early as possible, there is no magic point at which people stop growing, learning and overcoming their difficulties. And, there is no one magic treatment that you need to find. The fact is, there are still more questions than answers when it come to mental health treatment.)

The first rule when you’re trying to find information online is: be skeptical. Is the author clearly identified? Are their credentials listed somewhere? Are facts referenced in some manner?
Certainly, the target audience will influence the technicality of the site, but all reputable sites will  discuss or show references supporting their factual claims. Some less technical sites, such as this one, will present general “how to” type articles, but even here, facts are referenced and authors credited.

More technical blogs should be more thoroughly referenced. An example I recently found is called Psychotherapy Brown Bag: Discussing the Science of Clinical Psychology.  Less technical sites should still present information in a well rounded, more open manner. An example I frequently send people to is Autism.about.com. As an example, look at the site’s presentation about special diets. The article starts off with the statement that while there is little scientific evidence backing these studies, there is interest due to anecdotal evidence.

Which brings me to the most important rule. Almost always, the terms “always” or “never” should raise a big red flag. Any treatment that claims to be “the answer” or “the cure” for everyone, is misleading you. Treatments can be promising, useful, or even highly effective, but they’re never effective for everyone.

On the other hand, treatments can be unproven, yet simple, inexpensive, harmless, and they don’t preclude trying other treatments at the same time. They may be worth trying. An example of this might be setting up a specific behavior chart at home.

The fact is that there is no one answer. Individuals differ, their needs vary, and the treatments that will be most effective aren’t going to fall into one category. That’s a good point to remember in researching treatments.

Success with a Learning Disability

We all learn differently, and we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. For both kids and adults, it’s important to remember that school success and standard academic achievement are not the same thing as intelligence, and how you do in school doesn’t determine how you’ll do in the rest of your life!

I’m always looking for examples of successful individuals who dealt with learning disabilities or a diagnosis like ADHD, Asperger’s or autism. One such list can be found in the article Ten Celebs Who Suffer From a Learning Disability.  Others lists like this can be found through Google or Yahoo searches.

Mindfulness and Dealing with Stress

Stress and anxiety can be major problems for individuals on the autism spectrum. For all of us, modern life can be overwhelming, pressured, fast paced and demanding. For those on the spectrum, the stresses can be even greater, because they may include social anxiety, sensory problems, career difficulties, or managing repetitive thoughts.

One very effective way of dealing with stress is through mindfulness. Mindfulness, as the term is used in modern American society, is based on Buddhist ideas, although it is not a religious concept. Jon Kabat-Zinn, in his classic book Wherever You Go There You Are (1994) defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” (p. 4) and states that it is “simply … the art of conscious living.” Kabat-Zinn is a Professor of Medicine Emeritus and the founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction is a program the center developed to integrate mindfulness and mindfulness meditation into modern medicine and healthcare. Mindfulness techniques have been shown to be effective not just for medical conditions, but for managing stress and anxiety as well.

You can learn more about mindfulness in Kabot-Zinn’s Wherever You Go There You Are, or his Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness (1990). There are also websites and online videos on mindfulness based stress reduction, as well as eight week courses available in locations throughout the country.

Book Review: All Dogs Have ADHD, by Kathy Hoopman

Many parents worry about labeling their child, stigmatizing them, or excusing behavior problems, if they tell their child that he or she has a diagnosis of Asperger’s, autism, or ADHD. I’ve found just the opposite. Kids know that they are getting in trouble in school, they know that other kids seem to have an easier time with following the rules or making friends, but without knowing about their own diagnosis, they just think that they’re bad or stupid. To me, that seems so unfair! I firmly believe that parents should tell their kids, in an age appropriate way, of course, about their diagnosis, and the strengths and difficulties that go along with that diagnosis.


Books are a great way to enhance a conversation about your child’s diagnosis. For kids with ADHD, All Dogs Have ADHD, by Kathy Hoopman is a fun and positive option. The book is a simple read, with cute pictures of dogs, and nicely presented, non-judging comments about behaviors and symptoms.  Problems are presented realistically, such as social issues or difficulties with following directions, but the book also presents the energy and fun that can make kids with ADHD such a joy to be with.

Asperger’s and the TV Show "Parenthood"

The NBC show "Parenthood" has brought increasing attention to the diagnosis of Asperger’s, with one of the show’s characters, Max Braverman, newly diagnosed with Asperger’s. With a large, multigenerational cast about many family members, Asperger’s is not the focus of the show, but just one storyline.  I like that aspect, because it’s so realistic; the family copes with Asperger’s, its treatment, symptoms and behaviors, but life doesn’t stop. Work continues, other family members have their own needs, the parents have a relationship that includes dealing Asperger’s, but other aspects as well. 

One recent episode, Team Braverman, focused on the family’s participation in an autism fundraiser. An interesting aspect was that the episode raised the question of when to tell a child about his own diagnosis, something which clients ask me frequently. In the show, Max’s parents asked their vaguely defined diagnosing professional, Dr Pelikan, about what to tell their son. His advice was that there is no one answer, but it was important not to “burden him with information he’s not going to be able to process.” and “when it’s time to talk to him about it, you’re going to know: Max is going to tell you.” The parents later state that this advice is not very helpful, and not very comforting. At the end of the episode, Max asks what I view as the perfect opening question for a discussion of his diagnosis: “Why we did we give the money (we raised) to autism? There are lots of other charities.” Dad Adam looks thoughtful, but passes on the opportunity to have a meaningful discussion about his son’s diagnosis, instead commenting on the trophy.

I agree that children need an age appropriate explanation, but in my experience, kids never seem to find this information a “burden”, instead it’s typically a relief, because they’re aware that their behavior and relationships aren’t like those of other kids. I also agree that kids ask questions when they want to have more information, but they may be subtle questions. Just like with other difficult discussions, parents, like Adam Braverman, can easily miss the cues if they’re not comfortable having the discussion. Shows like Parenthood can be so valuable because they allow parents a bit of practice time to think about these issues before confronting them in their own families. If you missed it, Team Braverman, season 1, episode 12, which aired May 18, 2010, is available online.

Book Review: Nobody Nowhere by Donna Williams

The joy of reading is how it allows us all to experience the world from within another’s perspective. When an autobiography is authentic and genuine, the reader can immerse in the writer’s reality.

Nobody Nowhere: The Extraordinary Autobiography of an Autistic, by Donna Williams, is one of those books. Alternately engaging and informative, as well as confusing and disturbing, Nobody Nowhere pulls its readers into Donna Williams’ world.

Published in 1992, the book is certainly out of date in some ways, particularly the more technical aspects surrounding the diagnosis. (The author has published a number of books since this, her first, and, although I haven’t read them, I would imagine they’re more accurate and up to date with more current knowledge about the condition.) The more timeless aspects of the book are the more personal, where Williams relates her own experiences, her connection to things rather than people, her struggles to feel safe and also to connect.

Often the book feels disjointed and confusing, in part because of the unclear timelines, as well as the author’s habit of referring to herself by various names and in the third person. Rather than detract from the book, this confusion adds to the experiential nature of the book, although it can be disturbing to read of the abuse and mistreatment the author endured.

The final section of the book presents the author’s own theories about autism as well as her suggestions for communicating with autistic children. Of course, the autism spectrum is very broad, but especially for parents looking to understand their own child, Williams’ suggestions may provide some valuable insights.