Please check out the new list on the side of my blog! I’ve added some favorite books on the topics of Asperger’s, Autism, ADHD, other special needs, and parenting in general. These are all books which I’ve read and enjoyed, that I think will be helpful to parents, and they’re books I recommend to my clients.
Parents of kids with special needs seem to be some of the most well read, well educated parents out there. I think in part it’s because the answer aren’t clear. No one has all the answers about what causes ADHD or Autistic Spectrum Disorders. No one knows the best treatments and what will help any particular child. But there are some answers out there. Researchers, therapists, doctors, parents, teens, and kids, are all writing about their knowledge, experiences and what’s worked for them.
I’d love to hear from you. What books did you find most useful? What books do you recommend to other parents? Is there something in one of these books that you didn’t find to be helpful? If you comment here, I’ll try to leave your recommended books in the comments sections. If I read it and find it helpful, I’ll add it to the recommended list. Thanks for your comments!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Michael Savage Blames Parents for Autism
I just watched a You Tube video of Michael Savage discussing autism and parenting, and felt I had to write something. Generally, I try to make this blog useful and practical, but not controversial or reactionary. Also, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. After all, I didn’t listen to Michael Savage’s entire program, just a few out-of-context minutes. In any case, I don’t want to focus on negative energy from anyone, when so many people are working so hard to make the world a better place. Should I even comment about statements that seem so extreme, angry and unjustified?
But then I started thinking about the parents I’ve worked with, parents who read my blog or visit my web site, or parents who bring their children in to see me. Generally, whether the children have a diagnosis or not, the parents are doing the very best they can. When a child is struggling with some issue, I find that the parents are looking for answers, some way to make their child’s life better.
The autism community is filled with positive, educated, devoted parents. Of course, there are differences of opinion, sometimes extreme and even angry, on causes, treatments, even whether or not to attempt to “cure” autism. But behind it all is a general core idea that parents want their children to have happy and productive lives. Then someone like Michael Savage comes along and makes extreme and blaming comments. Should parents who are trying so hard to take care of their children have to deal with this sort of thing?
Psychology has a long and sad history of blaming parents, usually the mother, whenever a child is different. Just do some research on Freud’s theories of homosexuality, Bettelheim and Kanner on autism and Lidz on schizophrenia. These theories are discredited in professional circles, but they still jump up on occasion, like with Michael Savage’s statements.
I think this idea is most damaging to the parents of newly diagnosed children. These parents, usually struggling to determine the best treatment for their children, are often overwhelmed with the huge amount of information on autism, coupled with a very real lack of knowledge over what is the best treatment. The last thing they need is blame that they caused the issues or that they made the whole thing up.
One of my favorite psychological theorists is Donald Winnicott. He was a pediatrician in the middle of the 20th century, both well respected in the most elite psychoanalytic circles and, at the same time, able to write in simple, accessible terms to actual parents. Winnicott wrote extensively about the idea of the “good enough mother”, which is the idea that children don’t need, in fact, don’t even do well, with a perfect parent who meets all their needs. Instead children need an attuned parent, one who is attempting to take care of them. I think this is an idea that is especially important to keep in mind when working with kids who are struggling, whether socially, academically, or emotionally.
As difficult as this whole controversy can be, I think it can focus the entire autism community on Winnicott’s message. All children, autistic and neurotypical both, need caring, loving parents, not perfect parents.
But then I started thinking about the parents I’ve worked with, parents who read my blog or visit my web site, or parents who bring their children in to see me. Generally, whether the children have a diagnosis or not, the parents are doing the very best they can. When a child is struggling with some issue, I find that the parents are looking for answers, some way to make their child’s life better.
The autism community is filled with positive, educated, devoted parents. Of course, there are differences of opinion, sometimes extreme and even angry, on causes, treatments, even whether or not to attempt to “cure” autism. But behind it all is a general core idea that parents want their children to have happy and productive lives. Then someone like Michael Savage comes along and makes extreme and blaming comments. Should parents who are trying so hard to take care of their children have to deal with this sort of thing?
Psychology has a long and sad history of blaming parents, usually the mother, whenever a child is different. Just do some research on Freud’s theories of homosexuality, Bettelheim and Kanner on autism and Lidz on schizophrenia. These theories are discredited in professional circles, but they still jump up on occasion, like with Michael Savage’s statements.
I think this idea is most damaging to the parents of newly diagnosed children. These parents, usually struggling to determine the best treatment for their children, are often overwhelmed with the huge amount of information on autism, coupled with a very real lack of knowledge over what is the best treatment. The last thing they need is blame that they caused the issues or that they made the whole thing up.
One of my favorite psychological theorists is Donald Winnicott. He was a pediatrician in the middle of the 20th century, both well respected in the most elite psychoanalytic circles and, at the same time, able to write in simple, accessible terms to actual parents. Winnicott wrote extensively about the idea of the “good enough mother”, which is the idea that children don’t need, in fact, don’t even do well, with a perfect parent who meets all their needs. Instead children need an attuned parent, one who is attempting to take care of them. I think this is an idea that is especially important to keep in mind when working with kids who are struggling, whether socially, academically, or emotionally.
As difficult as this whole controversy can be, I think it can focus the entire autism community on Winnicott’s message. All children, autistic and neurotypical both, need caring, loving parents, not perfect parents.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The Importance of Play Dates
Play dates with other children are a key way for any child to improve social skills. Hanging out with adults, spending time with siblings, even structured, professionally led social skills groups are all great activities, but will not give your child the learning experiences that they’ll get from a simple play date at home with another child. All kids need to learn to get along with peers. Kids who are struggling with social skills, such as children with a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD, or ADHD), autism, Asperger’s syndrome, or other Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASDs) can struggle especially hard with social issues.
School can be an excellent opportunity for your child to spend time with other children, but your child needs more than just school-time socializing. At school there is only a limited number of other potential friends from which to choose. There may be intense and deeply entrenched cliques and social games, which can be just too tough for less sophisticated socializers to manage. Most of the school day is structured, which leaves little time for open, kid organized play. Finally, the recess and lunchtime activities tend to revolve around sports, especially for boys, so less athletic kids may be left out. All these factors mean that, while school can be a great chance for socializing, it is not enough.
Brothers and sisters are also a useful chance for socializing, but again, not enough for children struggling with social skills. Family dynamics, birth order and gender roles, and parental influence will all mean that siblings play together in a way that’s different than interactions with other kids. If your child has special needs, the siblings have probably adapted to any unusual behavior, rigidity or stubbornness, or failure to read their social signals. The siblings will probably be both more adaptable and in other ways, less adaptable, than unrelated kids. In summary, siblings will always interact in different ways than unrelated kids.
Structured social skills groups can also be a useful activity where children can learn to make and be friends. Depending on the type of group, there may be an actual chance to play with other kids, or just a discussion about play. (For many reasons, which I’ll discuss in a later post, I find that social skills groups where kids play rather than talk about play are more useful for most kids, especially those on the autistic spectrum.) One real advantage is that the group has been designed so that it should include other kids who are excellent social matches for your child. The problem with social skills groups is cost, frequency, and availability. Even the longest groups tend to continue for only a matter of weeks or months. If kids are a good match, it’s wonderful to let them play with each other frequently and on an ongoing basis.
What about time with adults? Many children on the autistic spectrum, and those with ADHD, relate very well to adults. Adults can appreciate these kids’ more unusual interests, and will often overlook any unusual behaviors. Adults adapt to difficulties in attention, becoming more engaging to capture the attention of an inattentive child or soothe and calm a more hyperactive child. These relationships, whether with parents, other relatives, or adult friends are invaluable to kids who struggle socially, but they do not take the place of peer-aged friendships. Your child still needs to learn to deal with kids the same age, where the relationship is about shared activities and conversations, not catering specifically to your child’s needs.
What can your child learn from play dates with other kids? How to get along, make compromises, find that place where goofy can be fun, but not too odd, pay attention to other kid’s needs and interests, read social signals, have and be a good friend. In short, all the social skills they’re going to need as an adult.
School can be an excellent opportunity for your child to spend time with other children, but your child needs more than just school-time socializing. At school there is only a limited number of other potential friends from which to choose. There may be intense and deeply entrenched cliques and social games, which can be just too tough for less sophisticated socializers to manage. Most of the school day is structured, which leaves little time for open, kid organized play. Finally, the recess and lunchtime activities tend to revolve around sports, especially for boys, so less athletic kids may be left out. All these factors mean that, while school can be a great chance for socializing, it is not enough.
Brothers and sisters are also a useful chance for socializing, but again, not enough for children struggling with social skills. Family dynamics, birth order and gender roles, and parental influence will all mean that siblings play together in a way that’s different than interactions with other kids. If your child has special needs, the siblings have probably adapted to any unusual behavior, rigidity or stubbornness, or failure to read their social signals. The siblings will probably be both more adaptable and in other ways, less adaptable, than unrelated kids. In summary, siblings will always interact in different ways than unrelated kids.
Structured social skills groups can also be a useful activity where children can learn to make and be friends. Depending on the type of group, there may be an actual chance to play with other kids, or just a discussion about play. (For many reasons, which I’ll discuss in a later post, I find that social skills groups where kids play rather than talk about play are more useful for most kids, especially those on the autistic spectrum.) One real advantage is that the group has been designed so that it should include other kids who are excellent social matches for your child. The problem with social skills groups is cost, frequency, and availability. Even the longest groups tend to continue for only a matter of weeks or months. If kids are a good match, it’s wonderful to let them play with each other frequently and on an ongoing basis.
What about time with adults? Many children on the autistic spectrum, and those with ADHD, relate very well to adults. Adults can appreciate these kids’ more unusual interests, and will often overlook any unusual behaviors. Adults adapt to difficulties in attention, becoming more engaging to capture the attention of an inattentive child or soothe and calm a more hyperactive child. These relationships, whether with parents, other relatives, or adult friends are invaluable to kids who struggle socially, but they do not take the place of peer-aged friendships. Your child still needs to learn to deal with kids the same age, where the relationship is about shared activities and conversations, not catering specifically to your child’s needs.
What can your child learn from play dates with other kids? How to get along, make compromises, find that place where goofy can be fun, but not too odd, pay attention to other kid’s needs and interests, read social signals, have and be a good friend. In short, all the social skills they’re going to need as an adult.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Summer Social Skills
Now that school is getting out for the summer, your family’s schedule may be a lot more relaxed. If your child has special needs, such as autism, Asperger’s disorder, ADHD or ADD, organizational and executive functioning issues, or problems with social skills, the school year may have been extremely high stress. It’s great to be able to enjoy this more unstructured time, spend more time together as a family and take it easy. Without the pressures of school and homework, now is also the perfect time to help your child improve social skills for the upcoming school year.
If your child has been struggling with friendships, the summer months can be a great time for unstructured playdates. Many outdoor activities, such as playing in the pool, riding bikes, playing with water balloons or kickballs, are less organized and subtle than more conversational, indoor games. These can be a great opportunity for your child to interact with peers and have fun too.
If your child struggles with basic athletic skills, such as swimming, bike riding, running or kicking, or even climbing on the monkey bars, the summer can be a time to work as a family to improve these abilities. Some kids really dislike sports, and have no interest in doing these types of activities, but school playgrounds do revolve around games. If your child can manage to participate, a new social avenue is opened. Kids who aren’t skilled at sports often don’t join in, and then their skills get even further behind. Playing as a family can remove the pressure that your child experiences in peer play.
For kids who have spent the school year struggling with organization, the summer is the chance to catch up and get ready for next September. Work together to remove all of last year’s papers and books. Clear the desk and drawers so you have room to work in a more organized setting next year. This may seem far removed from social skills, but remember that the faster and more efficiently your child can finish homework, the more time there is left for other activities.
Be sure to keep all these activities light and fun. Kids with special needs have worked hard all year, and so have their parents. You all deserve some time to enjoy each other.
If your child has been struggling with friendships, the summer months can be a great time for unstructured playdates. Many outdoor activities, such as playing in the pool, riding bikes, playing with water balloons or kickballs, are less organized and subtle than more conversational, indoor games. These can be a great opportunity for your child to interact with peers and have fun too.
If your child struggles with basic athletic skills, such as swimming, bike riding, running or kicking, or even climbing on the monkey bars, the summer can be a time to work as a family to improve these abilities. Some kids really dislike sports, and have no interest in doing these types of activities, but school playgrounds do revolve around games. If your child can manage to participate, a new social avenue is opened. Kids who aren’t skilled at sports often don’t join in, and then their skills get even further behind. Playing as a family can remove the pressure that your child experiences in peer play.
For kids who have spent the school year struggling with organization, the summer is the chance to catch up and get ready for next September. Work together to remove all of last year’s papers and books. Clear the desk and drawers so you have room to work in a more organized setting next year. This may seem far removed from social skills, but remember that the faster and more efficiently your child can finish homework, the more time there is left for other activities.
Be sure to keep all these activities light and fun. Kids with special needs have worked hard all year, and so have their parents. You all deserve some time to enjoy each other.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Book Review: ADHD & Me, by Blake E. S. Taylor
ADHD & Me, written by Blake E. S. Taylor (2007, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA) is a memoir about growing up with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The author, currently a student at UC Berkeley, has a charming and very real voice throughout the book. Sometimes the book reads almost like a high school science report, which I think makes it more accessible for young readers. I recommend this book as something parents can read to help understand their own child with a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD. More than a book for parents though, I think it’s a great read for kids trying to deal with their own diagnosis. Because the book breaks down into chapters dealing with different issues, such as “being disorganized” or “being unpopular” it can be useful for kids dealing with all sorts of social, home, or school problems, whether it’s due to ADHD, autism and ASDs, Asperger’s syndrome, or non-diagnosed issues with executive functioning or reading social cues. For each chapter, the author begins by presenting an illustration from his own life, showing how the specific issue impacted him. He then moves into his own analysis of why this issue comes up. Each chapter ends with the author’s suggested solutions for how to deal with the issue. Because the author just recently graduated from high school, his ideas may be more realistic than those of adults who were in school years ago.
For children and their parents who are feeling mistreated by a world that doesn’t always accept those who are different, this book could be a great support. The author comes right out and discusses the ideas of being treated unfairly by peers in chapters such as “being bullied” and “being isolated” while at the same time looking at his own contribution to the problems. He’s also direct about discussing the negative attitudes he’s encountered from adults, in chapters such as “being discriminated against” and “being blamed”. There are empowering ideas here for kids who are struggling with the realities of dealing with both peers and adults.
The best part of the book is the final two chapters, “taking control” and “being gifted”. In ADHD, as with any difference, there are strengths as well as difficulties. Too often children, parents, and teachers are focused on the issues and their solutions, and the gifts and advantages that come with that difference are overlooked. The author lists all the ways in which his ADHD diagnosis can be a benefit, such as creativity and high energy. Seeing this list in a published book may be just what a child needs to be able to take a fresh look at his or her own diagnosis.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Social Skills Basics: Should We Teach Eye Contact?
Eye contact can be a tricky issue for some people. When to look someone in the eye, when to look away, does lack of eye contact indicate unfriendliness, does eye contact that too lengthy indicate a threat? A lot gets expressed and read into a seemingly simple gesture. The confusion gets compounded by the fact that different cultures have different rules for eye contact, and the rules within families can be different than those for friends, acquaintances or strangers. What’s praised as “paying attention” for some cultures is then criticized in others as “not being respectful.” Many people struggle with reading social cues. For example, a recent study from Indiana University and Yale pointed out how frequently male and female students mistook friendliness for sexual interest and vice versa. (See http://newsinfo.iu.edu/news/page/normal/7883.html for a brief article on the study.)
Kids with social skills issues, such as those with autistic spectrum disorders, Asperger’s Syndrome, and some kids with ADHD are frequently instructed in the “rules” about eye contact. As a therapist, I think it’s important to use great care with this issue. There are reasons the neurotypical world uses eye contact: as an indication of openness, interest, paying attention, as well as to convey less friendly messages such as boredom or dominance. At the same time, there are plenty of good reasons why an individual may not be comfortable using the standard rules of eye contact. Just go online and read some of the blogs from adults with Asperger’s syndrome and you’ll find great discussions about how eye contact can feel threatening, distracting, or overwhelming.
For parents who aren’t sure what to do for their kids, I think the individual approach is best. Try talking to your child about it. See if you can figure out together if there are any problems due to eye contact or the lack of eye contact. Then it can be easier to come up with solutions. If your child can’t figure out when others have lost interest in his conversation, then learning to do an eye contact check-in may suddenly seem worthwhile, instead of an arbitrary rule made up by the neurotypical world. If your child is concerned with making friends but overwhelmed with the intimacy of eye contact, then learning to fake it may make sense. Practicing for a job interview or date may motivate some people.
Th real key is that the focus, for this and any other social skill, should be finding solutions to problems and issues, not on teaching children complicated sets of rules for how to act like everybody else.
Kids with social skills issues, such as those with autistic spectrum disorders, Asperger’s Syndrome, and some kids with ADHD are frequently instructed in the “rules” about eye contact. As a therapist, I think it’s important to use great care with this issue. There are reasons the neurotypical world uses eye contact: as an indication of openness, interest, paying attention, as well as to convey less friendly messages such as boredom or dominance. At the same time, there are plenty of good reasons why an individual may not be comfortable using the standard rules of eye contact. Just go online and read some of the blogs from adults with Asperger’s syndrome and you’ll find great discussions about how eye contact can feel threatening, distracting, or overwhelming.
For parents who aren’t sure what to do for their kids, I think the individual approach is best. Try talking to your child about it. See if you can figure out together if there are any problems due to eye contact or the lack of eye contact. Then it can be easier to come up with solutions. If your child can’t figure out when others have lost interest in his conversation, then learning to do an eye contact check-in may suddenly seem worthwhile, instead of an arbitrary rule made up by the neurotypical world. If your child is concerned with making friends but overwhelmed with the intimacy of eye contact, then learning to fake it may make sense. Practicing for a job interview or date may motivate some people.
Th real key is that the focus, for this and any other social skill, should be finding solutions to problems and issues, not on teaching children complicated sets of rules for how to act like everybody else.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
DIR® Floortime™ Conference
I’ve been very busy this week because I’m “attending” an online conference. It’s the basic course on DIR® and Floortime™ therapy from Dr. Stanley Greenspan. He talks about autism, Asperger’s, sensory integration issues, auditory processing and a range of learning issues, and his model for treating these children. The course consists of about 15 hours of video tapes from a conference where Dr. Greenspan presented in 2005.
The best part is the many videotaped segments of Dr. Greenspan coaching parents as they try to do Floortime™ with their own children. He’s got a varied group of children on the autistic spectrum, from very young babies to school age kids, and the parents range from gifted to skeptical. With this online format, it’s possible to watch these tapes over and over, because there is a lot going on in these segments.
Dr. Greenspan admits that the tapes are showing the best moments of these interactions, but even so, they are impressive. The children’s affect, interaction, and relating, in other words: social skills, feel so genuine and natural. I love to see the parents involved and empowered.
This conference is still open to those who are interested. Both parents and professionals are taking it. Check out http://stanleygreenspan.com/iec/content/iec-conference-online if you’re interested.
The best part is the many videotaped segments of Dr. Greenspan coaching parents as they try to do Floortime™ with their own children. He’s got a varied group of children on the autistic spectrum, from very young babies to school age kids, and the parents range from gifted to skeptical. With this online format, it’s possible to watch these tapes over and over, because there is a lot going on in these segments.
Dr. Greenspan admits that the tapes are showing the best moments of these interactions, but even so, they are impressive. The children’s affect, interaction, and relating, in other words: social skills, feel so genuine and natural. I love to see the parents involved and empowered.
This conference is still open to those who are interested. Both parents and professionals are taking it. Check out http://stanleygreenspan.com/iec/content/iec-conference-online if you’re interested.
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