Having a Spouse with an ASD or Asperger's

This is a repost of a popular post that wasn't opening correctly. Rather than spend a lot of time troubleshooting, I'm just moving the post. 

I remember learning in grad school that the very things that attract a couple to each other in the beginning are the things that draw them apart later on. Perhaps nowhere is this more true than the marriages between neurotypicals and those with Asperger’s. In my last post I discussed Gina Pera's Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD, the classic text on marriage to a partner who has ADHD. In my upcoming posts, I’m going to discuss two other books, Loving Someone With Asperger’s Syndrome , by Cindy N. Ariel, Ph.D. and The Journal of Best Practices , by David Finch. Both of these books cover the topic of marriage between a neurotypical and an individual with Asperger’s or an autism spectrum disorder.
  
The Asperger’s/neurotypical marriage is probably even more challenging than an ADHD/neurotypical marriage. In both cases, the couple is coping with differences in their basic ways of dealing with the world, and differences in neurobiology. However, Asperger’s also, by definition, involves social differences, and marriage is, at its core, our most social relationship.

There’s been a lot of controversy in the autism community about the tendency to scapegoat the Asperger’s partner for all of the relationship difficulties. Maxine Aston put forth her theory, not backed up in the peer reviewed literature, which she calls Affective Deprivation Disorder, where the neurotypical partner suffers due to emotional deprivation. Although, of course there is truth to the idea that the partner may be suffering, the autistic blogging community understandably had a lot of criticism about the idea of the syndrome.  Certainly, in troubled couples, both the neurotypical partner and the ASD partner are suffering.

I think a healthier option toward helping these couples might be to step away from blame and expecting one partner to do all the adapting, and instead focus on improving understanding and communication between both partners. After all, neurotypical partners choose their ASD spouses deliberately, often due to the very strengths that come with the ASD diagnosis.

The two books I’m next reviewing both can help couples move toward that direction, but in very different ways. (Note, check out my earlier posts for Loving Someone with Asperger's and The Journal of Best Practices.)

When the Boss Has Asperger's

This is a repost of a popular post that wasn't opening correctly. Rather than spend a lot of time troubleshooting, I'm just moving the post. 

A reader of this blog recently questioned, “How do I work successfully for a boss who has Asperger’s?” Of course, people with Asperger’s have always worked, frequently in positions of authority and power. What’s new is the public recognition that Asperger’s and autism exist; that the community doesn’t include just children, but adults as well; and that Asperger’s and autism bring strengths and abilities that management values. At the same time, people with Asperger’s and autism tend to be different than neurotypicals, especially in the ways they communicate and interact socially. (Neurotypicals are those without Asperger’s or autism.) 
Let me start with a simple warning. Don’t assume that all engineers and scientists have Asperger’s or that all people with Asperger’s or autism are the same. These conditions are tough to diagnose, they have a wide range of characteristics, and individuals with the condition have varying strengths, abilities, and weaknesses. So, whether or not your boss has a formal Asperger’s diagnosis, or even if you’re just guessing about it, pay attention to the individual, and try to adapt your work to what your boss specifically wants.
That said, there are typical characteristics of individuals with Asperger’s. Many individuals with Asperger’s struggle with figuring out social situations, like how to manage small talk, or the subtleties of interpersonal hierarchies. Making and maintaining traditional eye contact can be uncomfortable or even overwhelming. There may be extreme sensitivities to things like perfume or fluorescent light. A person with Asperger’s may not organize things in the same way as coworkers. Many individuals with Asperger’s have a strong and intense knowledge and interest in some specific area, often the very area where you are both employed. Their knowledge level and speed of absorbing new material may be well beyond your abilities. Frequently, these individuals are straightforward and direct.
The social differences can be the most difficult for neurotypicals to deal with. We neurotypicals value small talk and what may seem like meaningless social interactions. Without them, we can start to question if there’s something wrong, if we’re missing something, or if the boss is unhappy with our performance. Eye contact comes into play here too. Neurotypicals expect eye contact, and it’s very subtly choreographed.  Without that typical interaction, we can feel ignored, misunderstood, or disrespected. But, it’s important to remember that the differences due to Asperger’s may mean that we’re reading a lot into a friendly situation.
Rather than speak for an individual with Asperger’s, I went to an expert. Joel Smith works as an IT supervisor for a government agency and he’s been diagnosed as being on the Asperger's/autism spectrum.   I posed the question to him about how best to work for a boss with Asperger’s, and got this response:
“I work best when people working for me will tell me in black and white terms what they need to do their job - I'll miss subtle hints,  I'd prefer someone to just come out and say what they are looking  for.  Similarly with interpersonal issues or conflicts among  subordinates - I need to know what is going on, and I might not "just pick up on it". I don't talk differently to upper management or subordinates - I  don't "translate" between the languages. I suspect a lot of autistic bosses got where they were not through social networking but rather through ability.  So don't feed them  bull about their area of expertise.”
Thanks for your question, and I hope this has been helpful to you in working productively with your boss. I’d love to get comments from other professionals with Asperger’s or autism about how you’d like to interact with neurotypical coworkers, bosses or employees. Please send me an email, list a trackback, or post a comment.

Roleplay Day Camp, After School Groups and Adult Groups

Since so many of my ASD clients enjoy fantasy and roleplay games, I was excited to find Abantey, the Roleplay Workshop in Oakland. Roleplay can be creative, educational and social. Abantey offers a number of different programs, including camps, after school programs for kids from 10 through the teens, and Saturday evening adult groups. The activities are not specifically oriented toward individuals on the spectrum, but they are ASD welcoming, and offer the chance for neurotypicals and ASD individuals to enjoy shared activities. I get a lot of requests specifically looking for adult social activities, and Abantey also offers those! Abantey meets at Dr Comics and Mr Games in Oakland, or they will bring the game to your location. Check them out online for more information.

Thinking About Summer Camps

It's April, and time to finalize those plans for summer camps. I'm a big fan of camp experiences for special needs kids, and there are even some great options for older teens and young adults. Camps give kids a chance to experience social interactions in a relaxed atmosphere, and they have an array of professionals available to counsel and coach real time, as the interactions are going on. At school, teachers and yard duty personnel often try to do social coaching during the school day, but there just isn't the time for it to be a focus. Camps offer that focus. Here in the East Bay there are lots of options, from day camps to sleep away, for interests in horses, camping, technology and film. Older teens can sometimes take a leadership role as a Counselor in Training. I've listed the programs I'm aware at the resource page of my website patriciarobinsonmft.com. Please let me know of any others!

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Video Games and Depression

So many of the ASD or ADHD clients who come to see me are spending hours a day online or playing video games. And, they are often dealing with depression and social isolation as well. Of course, as an engineer, I well understand that correlation does not indicate causation But, as a therapist, I recognize that many of my clients have interest in social connections, and they want to have interesting lives, but the effort to do these things is pretty stressful. Video games provide an anxiety management tool, as well as an experience that is both immediately gratifying and at the same time low stress. 

Along these lines of thought, The New York Times published an article titled Video Games and the Depressed Teenager.  For now, excessive internet and video use is not technically an addiction, although it is a topic of further study in the new DSM 5, which is going to be published this spring. 

I think it’s important for parents and young adults to consider these results in deciding their standards for online activities in their own homes. Many parents think addition is an appropriate term, because they can see how their own kids and teens behave when they are deprived of their gaming time. For many, less screen time seems to result in calmer and happier moods.

Alameda County Transition Fair

Both Alameda and Contra Costa Counties present annual transition fairs, designed to bring together young adults with special needs with the venders and agencies who can help them transtion to adult living situations and employment. Because the fairs only occur once a year, I encourage teens, young adults and their parents to attend these events early, so they can start learning about the services available.

Alameda is holding their 2013 Transition Fair this year on March 16. You can find more information on their Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/events/411555572244926/.