Summertime Boredom

I’m a big fan of unstructured time for kids. And it’s never as easy to schedule as it will be during the summer months.
I think it can be tempting for parents to fill kids’ summer days up with activities, camps, playdates and daytrips. And, I’m not against any of these. Certainly, if child care is needed, or your child needs to catch up in summer school, these structured activities may not even be optional. But, too often, I think parents feel like they have to keep their kids busy, or they’re not being good parents. And that’s just not true.
I hope parents will take some time this summer to allow their kids to do nothing, to putter around in the back yard or the neighborhood, to lie on the hammock and read a book. It’s OK for your child to be bored, children need to learn to entertain themselves, not just to participate in structured activities. Children learn creativity from doing things on their own. They learn to make friends when they’re drawn to interact with the other neighborhood kids.
Notice that I’m not talking about TV or video games here. Again, I’m not against TV or video games. I think they can be an appropriate relaxation activity for some kids, and they are a huge part of children’s cultural world. But, screen time, whether TV, video game or computer, is still a place where your child is being entertained. There’s no need to figure out how to entertain yourself amidst the flashing lights and the laugh track.
Instead, let’s just do nothing. In honor of that, I think I’ll cut back on my summer blog posting schedule, so I have some down time too.

GLBT and on the Autism Spectrum?

A lot of people ask me for info on support groups, social groups or discussion groups. Sometimes I can help them, especially if it’s something fairly common, like locating a parent support group for local parents with kids on the spectrum. But it seems like it gets tougher and tougher to find a group as the potential members get older. There are a lot fewer groups for teens or adults, and if the group is for multiple special issues it can really get difficult. That’s why I was pleased to find that GRASP is starting a new online discussion group for teens and adults within the GLBT community.  
Please check out the GRASP website for info on their latest support group: the GRASP GLBT Network. GRASP defines this group as a “discussion group for adults and teens who are on the autism spectrum and members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning community.”

What Will Your Kids Be Like As Adults?

I’ve worked with a lot of autistic kids who are really struggling. And that’s hard on their parents too, because they worry about the future. Will their children grow up to be safe, happy, productive?
No one can predict the future, but I always want to look toward the positive side. So many successful adults with Asperger’s or autism tell of difficult childhoods. An example I recently read was in the 5/16/2009 Newsweek article on Ari Ne’eman. Ne’eman is a college student, autistic, and the founder of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network.  I think by anyone’s standards he’d be considered quite accomplished. So it was especially interesting to read about his childhood in the article:

Ne'eman battles a strange kind of image problem: his critics accuse him of not really being autistic. His mother, Rina, is particularly sensitive about this. "People who see Ari today have no idea where he's been," she says. As a young child, Ne'eman was verbally precocious but socially challenged. "I didn't understand the people around me, and they didn't understand me," he says. He was bullied and ostracized—back then he didn't look at people; he flapped his hands and paced incessantly (he still does both today); he brought newspapers to elementary school as leisure reading. "I think the word 'freak' may have come up," he says. He was, at one point, segregated from his peers in a special-ed school. That led to struggles with depression and anxiety so severe he would pick at his face until it bled. I asked Ne'eman how he manages all the professional mingling he does today. Small talk makes him uncomfortable, but he's learned to play along. Still, none of it is easy. "You come out of a meeting and you've put on a mask, which involves looking people in the eye, using certain mannerisms, certain phrases," he says. "Even if you learn to do it in a very seamless sort of way, you're still putting on an act. It's a very exhausting act."

And Ari Ne’eman is just one example of so many autistic adults who are thriving, both in spite of and because of their autism. So what will happen with your child? You can’t predict, but neither can the specialists.
I do know that all kids do better with good, supportive parenting, adults who stand up and fight for their kids no matter what, and extra help when they’re really struggling, whether socially, academically, or emotionally. And every child deserves to have a parent who’s optimistic about the future.

Asperger’s, Autism and Psychotherapy

I’m a therapist, also called a counselor, a psychotherapist, or even a "shrink",  and I work with people who have Asperger’s, autism, or other ASDs. But that doesn’t mean I’m trying to cure someone of their autism. That’s a confusing distinction, but it’s important.
Many individuals on the autism spectrum are struggling with the symptoms from a mental disorder, such as depression, anxiety, or getting caught up in repetitive thoughts. Those are all things that can be treated with psychotherapy, (and sometimes other means), and often “cured” or at least managed so that the symptoms aren’t a problem.
Other individuals on the autism spectrum are trying to deal with issues that go along with their autism, such as difficulties with social signals or managing relationships. Those symptoms can also be managed through psychotherapy.
But the important thing is that in neither of these cases is psychotherapy meant to take the autism away from an individual. It’s not trying, or even wanting, to “cure” autism or Asperger’s.
I think that many autistic people don’t want to be changed. They appreciate and enjoy their cognitive strengths. They derive a great deal of pleasure from their special interests. They relish alone time. And they have no interest in becoming a social, outgoing, maybe even shallow, neurotypical.
The good news is that people can have the best of both worlds. Therapy can manage depression, anxiety, or other symptoms so they’re not a problem. People looking for more satisfying relationships or professional success can learn to adapt in the ways they choose to. And at the same time, all the strengths and special characteristics of ASDs don’t have to be erased.
You can learn more about this topic at my Therapy and Coaching for Asperger's, Autism and ADHD website or in my ezine article on Depression with Asperger’s and Autism.

As the School Year Ends

In my last post, I gave some tips on setting things up so that kids have a fun and social summer. On the flip side of that planning, I think it’s important to think a bit about academics, such as what worked and didn’t work this school year.
Has it been a great year? I hope so. Now is a good time to analyze that success. Was the teacher a great fit? It might make sense to schedule an end of year meeting and get that teacher’s tips for what might work next year. Lot’s of structure, frequent breaks, short term rewards, a buddy system? You child’s teacher has probably put a great deal of time and effort into fine tuning a classroom and homework situation that has been effective. Now is a good time to see what can carry over to the next year. If possible, the teacher could even meet with next year’s teacher to pass on some of these tips.
Has it been a bad year? Thankfully, it’s almost over. Before you breathe a big sign of relief, it will probably pay to consider what the problems were. Compare this bad year to one that worked out better. Was there a big difference in teacher personality, the tone of the classroom, the way homework or discipline was handled?
Remember, you are the expert on dealing with your child. You’ll need to share your expertise with teachers, the principal, and all the specialists who will be working with your child. It’s best if you can be precise, detailed and concrete in discussing how to manage your child’s education. Saying something vague, like, “Ms. Jones was really nice, my son liked her a lot better than Ms. Smith.” will not be very helpful. But, if you put a bit of effort in now, you’ll be able to come up with a very clear statement, like, “My son does best in a structured and quiet classroom, like he had in third grade. In fourth grade, the room was much busier and louder; he reacted badly to that  much stimulation. He also responded very enthusiastically to his first grade teacher’s visual behavior plan.”
See what details you can figure out for your child.

End of the School Year Tips: Plan Now for the Best Summer

Just a few more weeks and you’ve made it through another school year! For kids with special needs like autism, Asperger’s or ADHD, the upcoming break can be a huge relief. But, before you walk out the school door for the summer, there are a few things you should take care of now so you have the best summer ever.

Make Some Social Contacts:
The summer is a great time to relax with family, but your child needs to spend some time with peers as well. It’s a lot easier to connect with some friendly kids and their parents now, while you’re all at school together. See who’s going to be around this summer, get their contact info, make some casual plans.
Think About Camps and Activities:
Now is the time to plan some structured activities for  your child’s summer, and it’s great if there are going to be some school buddies there also. Check with the other parents and see if any activities are going to be especially popular this summer. Shared activities help friendships grow. Next year in school, your child may be best friends with the kids from camp this summer.
Plan on Sports:
Many kids with ASDs are not very athletic. That’s tough, because children’s social lives revolve around sports. Find out from the homeroom teacher or PE coach what the kids play on the playground during recess. It’s probably something that requires ball handling skills, like kicking or dribbling. Jumping rope may also be popular. Whatever the game, the summer offer a great opportunity for your child to practice and catch up with their classmates’ skills.
That’s it! A few simple conversations and you’re ready for a great summer.

Reading Faces: Emotions Revealed, by Paul Ekman

All of us, whether on the autism spectrum or not, could do a better job of reading each other’s emotions. One obvious way is to look at facial expressions. And the expert on facial expression is Dr. Paul Ekman, a psychologist and author who has devoted his career to understanding how humans in many cultures express emotions . Ekman spent 8 years developing a facial expression coding system and studying how we express common emotions like anger, fear, sadness, happiness, surprise and disgust. He’s worked with everyone from police departments to the Dalai Lama, and is one of Time magazine’s 100 most influential people of 2009. The Fox TV show Lie to Me is based on Ekman’s work.
One of the most interesting things about Ekman’s work is that these skills can be learned. In “Emotions Revealed” Ekman uses detailed pictures of his daughter making tiny changes to her face, and explains how this results in vast differences in expression. This is backed up with news photos of people expressing the same emotions. Ekman explains how we can even generate emotions in ourselves just by moving our facial muscles. The back of the book gives a quiz on reading facial expressions, which Ekman suggests taking both before and after reading the book.
You can find more info on Paul Ekman, including extensive interviews with him, on his website.