Making Friends: Tips for Lunchtime Socializing

Sitting in the cafeteria at the lunch table is a classic school experience - and the time your child may feel most isolated and alone. For kids who struggle with social skills, like those with Asperger’s, autism and ADHD, lunch period can be one of the worst in the day. But, if your child can manage to make a few changes, lunchtime can be a time for fun and friendship. This is a perfect area where parents can coach their child to social success.
Timing is Everything:
Kids on the autism spectrum or ADHD can be struggling with the executive functioning aspects of getting to lunch - things like packing up the backpack and finding the lunch box, or navigating the hallways to get to the lunch room. Or, they may race from the classroom without talking to anyone. This might mean that your child is the first to arrive in an empty lunchroom, or the last one to walk in, when all the seats are full.
The goal is to get to the lunch room somewhere in the middle of the crowd. If your child is the first into the room, he’s faced with empty tables, where he has to sit down alone, and then somehow draw others to him. Kids who have close friends have enough “social power” to pull others to their table. But, it would be unusual for other kids to sit down with kids who are struggling socially. There’s nothing worse than sitting all alone.
It can be tempting for your child to dawdle on the way to the lunch room. The problem is that when the dawdler arrives, the tables might be packed. Your child may have no place to sit down, or be forced to sit with younger kids, older kids, or, even worse, mean kids. Better to get there a few minutes earlier, and have a bit of control over the table mates.
Lunch Lines Provide Social Structure:
The chaotic, unstructured quality of the lunchroom is one of its toughest aspects. Waiting in the cafeteria line is a bit easier. Just a few kids are standing near your child, and they are pretty much stuck there. This is your child’s chance to strike up a conversation. The topic is easy - what’s for lunch, what happened in class, what’s coming up that afternoon.
Fit In With Food:
Pay attention to what the other kids are eating. Usually, there are two separate lines, for kids who buy and kids who bring, maybe a separate line to buy drinks. Figure out if your child is the only one buying or bringing. This sets him or her apart from the other kids and makes it tougher to stick with the crowd. Even for kids bringing a special diet, it may be worthwhile for them to stand in line with the others to pick up fruit or a beverage.
Looking for a Table:
Once your child is ready to sit down, it’s time to scan for friends, acquaintances, or classmates. The goal here is to find the kids your child knows best and see if they’re open to table mates. Explain the social rankings of schools to your child. It’s never a good idea for socially struggling kids to try to sit at the popular table. Even if they’re not rejected, they’ve committed a social error and are open to all sorts of later problems.
You should coach your child on the basics of looking busy, not standing desperate and alone. Brainstorm ideas like checking out the salad bar, putting on a jacket, filling a water bottle. These little activities give your child a chance to scan the room while looking busy, and to wait for a more social spot to open up.
An Escape Plan
For some kids, lunchtime is torture and no amount of planning and scheming improve things. It’s perfectly reasonable for parents to request a different plan rather than have a child suffer for an hour every day. The office, a teacher’s room, or the library can all offer a safe refuge. It’s important to keep trying, and socializing is learned through repeated efforts. At the same time, if things aren’t going well, maybe your child just needs a break from the effort for a few weeks. 

Interview Tips for Adults with Asperger’s: It’s an Interview, Not a Therapy Session

I just read an interesting, entertaining list of 10 Way to Ruin a Job Interview, written by Liz Ryan. The article lists simple “don’ts, like: don’t grovel, don’t share too much.  At first the list may seem ridiculous. Does anyone really need to be told not to swear in an interview? But then I started remembering interviews I conducted when I was working as an engineer. So often, interview candidates did the very things on this list. And Liz Ryan is right, they made a bad first impression.
I think many of these “don’ts” fall into the category of “Don’t be too relaxed or too open.” Job interviews are stressful. Your interviewer is most likely a well meaning, kind individual, who wants to put you at ease, and wants to like you. That’s great, and if it helps you to relax and make your best impression, the interview will be that much better for both of you. But, don’t mistake an interview for what it is not. This is not a friendly chat, and it certainly isn’t a therapy session. Just because someone is open and cordial does not mean the interview rules have changed.
I remember many interview candidates sharing way too much. I’d ask why they were looking for a new position and I’d get an endless list of the things their boss did wrong and the company did wrong. Remember, the person interviewing you does not know you. Your future employer wants a capable individual who will be easy to work with. They have no way of knowing if your crazy boss is really crazy, or if the problem was with you. Don’t give your future employer any reason to question your ability to be a team player.
I also remember desperate job candidates. They’d tell me things like how hard they were working to find a job and how little success they were having. A comment like that would make me question why no one else wanted to hire this candidate. Are you more likely to walk into the deserted restaurant or the busy one? The busy one, of course! If you tell your interviewer that no one wants to hire you, you look like the empty restaurant.
Another way interview candidates shared too much was in telling me that they weren’t that interested in the job. Things like, they’d take the job as an emergency measure, but they really were looking for a job two levels up. Hiring and training a new employee is expensive and a lot of work. Nobody wants to go through that just to have the new hire be unhappy. If you can’t be enthusiastic, fake it, and if you can’t fake it, don’t bother interviewing.
If you’re looking for a new job, you’re probably feeling a great deal of stress, and that’s OK. Just share that stress with an appropriate person, like your friend, or a family member, or your therapist. Not your interviewer.

Free DIR/ Floortime Parent Training in San Jose, CA

I know it's short notice, but this training sounded so interesting I'm posting it here. The Creekside School in San Jose, California is offer a free one day DIR/Floortime workshop for parents, tomorrow, 2/28/09. They'll have speakers from ICDL, Creekside and other organizations. DIR/Floortime is Standley Greenspan's program which I've written about several times on this blog. Please check out their website for more info.

Online Conference for Floortime/DIR

Floortime/DIR is Stanley Greenspan’s Developmental, Individual Difference, Relationship-based Model for the treatment of Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and other developmental disorders. The method teaches a way to assess and interact with children who may not be able to connect in more traditional ways. The online Floortime/DIR conference is starting in April and registration is open now. It’s open to both professionals and parents.
I attended this online conference last year, and I was really pleased with the material presented. Greenspan’s books are also packed with information, but the online conference gave access to a number of video tapes of Dr. Greenspan and other professionals working with families. The tapes could be viewed repeatedly, in order to really capture the subtleties of Greenspan’s interventions. After instruction, the parents were able to change their interactions with their children and the viewer could see the results of these changes. Greenspan then commented on the tapes.
There was also a forum for those who want to ask questions or connect with others attending the conference. Many local groups, including one here in the San Francisco Bay area, formed after the conference.
DIR/Floortime can be used by families all the time, for every interaction with their children, but it can also just be a way for parents to rethink how to engage their autistic kids. Because parents are the ones working with the kids, it can be quite a bit less expensive than other interventions, and of course, the intervention can be quite frequent, since parents get to be with their kids on a daily basis.
Check out this link to the conference if you’re interested, and thanks to reader floortimerepository@gmail.com for the comment that directed me to the registration site.

More on Job Interviews and Asperger’s: The Elevator Pitch

Many individuals with Asperger’s and autism have told me how tough a job interview can be. I think that can be true for those without autism as well. But, the good news is that interview skills can be learned and improved. Interviewing is one of the most common areas I work on with my Coach for Asperger’s and Conversation Coaching clients. I always impressed with the dramatic progress my clients make, and they usually improve in a very short time.
Yesterday, my local news station was broadcasting a job fair on their morning show, not something I’d usually watch, but I was held captive while waiting for my car’s oil change. The newscaster interviewed a professional (who’s name I didn’t catch) from Robert Half International about job interview tips. You can find their list here, but the idea I thought was most helpful was preparing an “elevator speech.”
An elevator speech or elevator pitch is a brief answer, about the length of a standard elevator ride, to the question, “What do you do?” or “Tell me about yourself.” Expect to hear this question in an interview. It’s probably going to be the first question. This is not the time to make small talk or discuss your hobbies. Instead, you’ve got a few minutes to define what makes you special, and tell the interviewer why you should be hired. Plan your elevator speech in advance. Think about the unique strengths you bring to the position. Practice it. In front of the mirror, to your friends or your dog, tell it to your mom. You can even send a comment to this blog with your elevator speech. The more thought you give this, the better you’ll know your own strengths, and the more clearly you can present them.
You don’t want to do this word for word, of course you’ll have to adapt to the situation. For example, maybe you need to introduce yourself, or maybe they already know your name. But your themes should be prepared in advance. The best part about an elevator pitch? Think how much calmer you’ll be in your interview if you can answer the first question so skillfully.
My elevator pitch:
I’m Patricia Robinson, a licensed therapist and coach. I focus on individuals with Asperger’s, autism and ADHD. As a therapist, I work with kids, teens and adults to help them do better at work or school, succeed socially, and to manage tough emotions like sadness or anxiety. As a coach, I work with teens and adults on goal oriented issues, things like jobs and employment, interviewing, and improving social connections and relationships.
What's your elevator pitch?

Types of Conversations

I spend a lot of time thinking about conversations. Frequently, when I’m coaching individuals with Asperger’s and autism we’re working on conversations and how to manage them. This can be tricky because conversations vary depending on the situation. Do you stick to the topic you started with or let it wander? What do you do with interruptions? How do you manage questions? All these concerns come down to one basic issue: What type of conversation is this? It can be helpful to think about this before starting to talk, and keep it in mind during the conversation.
The most formal conversation is a presentation. If you’re giving a presentation you know what material you want to cover. Visually, this is like a train track. Start at point A, get to points B, C, D, and E. Sometimes members of the audience will ask questions. You can visualize this as a train track, but people may get off and wander around at the various stations. It’s important to get back on topic after the question, much like you’d get back on the train.
Less formal conversations are things like job interviews. Everyone is probably seated, there is no written structure to the discussion, and the direction of the conversation is in the control of all the speakers. Don’t let this fool you into thinking that the conversation should go in any direction. In something like an interview or a discussion with your boss you should have some idea of what points you want to cover before you start speaking. The conversation may wander between those points, but you’ve got to be sure to bring the focus back so you cover your material. I picture this type of conversation as a loose string, pinned at certain points, and wandering between those points.
The least formal conversations are things like small talk, dating conversations, social chatting and hanging out. Although neurotypicals may find this type of conversation fun and effortless, some individuals on the autism spectrum and those with Asperger’s may find the unstructured nature difficult to manage. I picture this conversation with the scientific term "random walk" or "drunkard’s walk". The starting point is fixed, but after every statement the conversation can go in any direction and there’s no end point in mind. The key here is to let go of the control, pay attention to your partner’s inputs and move together. It’s almost like a verbal dance.
I’ll be going into more detail on managing these types of conversation in future posts, so please check back.

Oprah, Jenny McCarthy, and Autism

Like most middle aged American women, I’m a big fan of  Oprah. Her shows are inspiring, informative and cover every topic. I read her magazine cover to cover. That’s why it’s so frustrating to watch Oprah give Jenny McCarthy free rein to discuss everything related to autism. True, Jenny is the mom of a boy who’s been diagnosed with autism. I don’t object to hearing her share her experiences of raising her son. But this doesn’t mean that Jenny is suddenly an expert in epidemology, medical science, vaccine studies, or even the divorce rate of parents with autistic kids.
I missed the original September broadcast of Jenny McCarthy discussing her Warrior Mother book on Oprah, but I watched the rerun last week. Lots of emotion, big statements, but little respect for facts or science. Autism is a complicated issue. Vaccines are not only a complicated issue but an issue that’s critical to our health. Couldn’t Oprah present us with a balanced, fact based discussion of autism and vaccines?
After this show aired, the blog LeftBrainRightBrain posted a link from Every Child by Two. This organization is asking Oprah fans to contact the Oprah website directly and request a more balanced vaccine show. You can go to Oprah directly and submit your request. Better yet, read the full post on LeftBrainRightBrain.
Did you wonder about Jenny’s 90% divorce rate statement? I can’t find a study that shows that rate. But I did find a more moderate discussion of the topic, along with a referenced study, on About.com/autism.
Parents deserve the right to make decisions based on facts and science, not hype from entertainers.